Post partem pycosis...my story.

So when sebastian was 4 months old i was admitted to the pysch ward of the london hospital for almost 2 months. some know why...but i am going to tell it again for those who dont and are curious. as much as i can remember...cuz frankly some of that time is a blur. Soon after sebastian was born i had the baby blues. i was happy he was finally here (14 days late!!!) and he was by far my favourite birthing experience. but i knew he was my last, and i was sad about that. plus i was worried about long term effects of me being on anti pyscotics while pregnant. it didnt help that soon after he was born he did have withdrawals, and shook a lot. but he still ate well and was all around a good baby. (even though i hate the phrase good baby...are there really bad babies...do they rob banks? anyways...) he was breastfeeding and was up a lot in the night...i slept in a chair in the living room. for some reason a few months befoe he was born i had this searing pain every time i layed flat...so i had to sleep sitting up for almost a full year. his bassinet was in the living room and i almost always dealt with the sleepless nights while brant slept alone upstairs. i do think my lack of proper sleeping didnt really help in my ppd. that and the fact that i was already bipolar. i dont really recall when it started to go wrong...but it did. not only was i depressed about life..but i started having visions. every time somone picked up the baby i would "see" them take their hands around the baby's neck and snap it, he would fall over limply...obviously dead. it would send me in to panic...i knew it wasnt real though, thanks goodness...so i was able to keep my panic mostly on the inside. you would think i just wouldnt let anyone handle the baby then...but no i wasnt safe either. i started to see myself do the same thing, and all of qa sudden i was scared for anyone including myself to even touch the baby for fear that they would snap his neck. i couldnt make the visions go away, and while they were happening they seemed so real. once i even "saw" aurora throw the baby in traffic and watched helplessly as car after car ran over him. i did know that no one would do this. but that didnt seem to help, finally i couldnt take the anxiety that ppl were gonna harm my baby and not even I, his mother who loved him dearly could save him...or even be a safe spot for him. I knew i was going to end my life to make it stop. i really didnt want to, but i felt i had to. so i went several time to the ER...only tp be put on more drugs and be told it would be fine. finally, i just swallowed a lot of my anti anxiety pills and a bunch of booze and waited for it to be over. it didnt work and dissapointed at being alive i finally made the ER understand how bad off i was. they decided to admit me. i stayed 4 days in the ER until there was a bed for me on the 7th floor. now one thing i did learn was...never try to kill yourself while your alone with the kids...not only would it be horrific for them if they had fiound me had it worked,. but when it didnt work and i told the nurses about the attempt....they called CAS on us. i was paniced over that, and it was a long time before they closed the case but eventually they did. once they realized i wouldnt do that again. anyways back to being admitted...they added meds, they played around..but i didnt feel better at all. i felt relief not ebing around the baby as much meant that i wasnt seeing these visions anymore...but i wanted to be home and i feared they would never stop. that i would never be well enough to be home. so while i was admitted i took even more pills, i sat there watching tv waiting for it to finally be over...while nurses knew nothing. finally i texted my friend, and told her..she called brant and told him and he called and told the nurses. they got really mad at me, and monitered me fore the night..taking my blood pressure etc..every hour. but that didnt stop me from doing it again, except i got scared that that many pills would finally do it..and i told my nurse what i had done. he was a very hot nurse and was much more understaning, he talked to me and made me felt better...again they monitered me the same way. but it was obvious i wasnt going home any time soon. finally, after almost 2 months there and a lot of work. i was well enough to come home..i was happy and the visions had stopped. unfortunly though i have struggled the most i probabaly ever have with my depression occuring frequently since then. i have severe anxiety where i am sure i am going to be raped and murdered in my sleep, or the kids taken. but these were normal worries for me. and i can honestly say i havnt seen visions of sebastians head snapping when ppl hold him since i got home from my first hospital visit.